Driving in the city (which can turn into serious off-roading),

Driving on the highway (often with donkey carts going in the other direction),

And last but not least, reckless driving.

Oh and there’s one more; driving in the fast lane at 30 km/h. Actually this is even more dangerous than reckless driving because it puts you at the risk of being murdered.

But don’t forget that this is also the city where literally hundreds of people own top of the range cars from Porsche, BMW, Mercedes, even Ferrari and Aston Martin. These are just a few names from a long list that’s growing fast.

          

Aston Martin DB9

          

Ferrari 360

          

Porsche 911 Carrera 2S

          

Ford Mustang Shelby GT500

When I first realized that my fellow citizens drive these exotic beauties,  I almost fainted with excitement.

But if you think about it, you will realize that people are driving cars that can do 320 kph on roads that hardly ever allow 120. That means my 40 horse power Cuore can easily keep up with a 400 horse power Ferrari on the highways.

And as soon as we are off the highway, I will instantly leave the Ferrari in my dust…

Yes…and the reason is that now we’re in speed breaker territory, most of which happen to be taller than the Ferrari itself. And there’s a very good reason behind these world famous speed breakers. You see, building sky scrapers is an extremely difficult task, that’s why we decided to go for the tallest speed breakers in the world.

By the way, these speed breakers are usually nicknamed “jumps”, which says it all. I call them something else which I can’t tell you.

So if I had the job of issuing license plates for cars, I would issue a special golden “Jackass” plate to anyone who has one of these imported exotic cars in Lahore. I mean what’s the point of having a Ferrari when you can’t even keep up with a Mehran in a race???

Let’s face it, Ferraris are not designed keeping the streets of Lahore in mind, and you can’t explore their potential without getting stuck on a speed breaker with all four wheels in the air.

And I would love to take a picture of a Ferrari driving behind a donkey cart on a highway.

That means all three forms of driving known to Lahore-kind, have been ruled out for Ferraris and Porsches. A Mehran, on the other hand, is not only perfect for all of these scenarios, but also much faster. It’s the super-car of Lahore.

 

Now that I’ve proved that you can go faster in a Mehran than a Ferrari. I want to prove it wrong. I’m not going to ramble on about road conditions and government policies because, let’s face it, we are on our own.

It’s time to introduce a brand new form of driving to Lahoris. This form of driving is the reason why names like Ferrari and Porsche exist, and no Mehran has ever seen it. This is the form of driving where you need a racetrack.

Perhaps I should explain that a racetrack is a road that doesn’t go anywhere, it has no speed humps, donkey carts are not allowed to use it, and you can go as fast as you dare. Oh and it’s a little bendy too. In fact it can scare the hell out of you with its high speed bends.

Only trouble is that this magic road doesn’t exist anywhere near Lahore. It doesn’t even exist anywhere in the country. 

 

So would you like to know why racetracks are non-existent in our country even though we have hundreds of cars designed only for the purpose?

Here’s why…About 1.6 million years ago, Martians came to earth. They marked out the boundaries of Pakistan and then cursed it to make sure no one ever enjoys driving here.

This is the best logical explanation for the fact that no one has ever built a racetrack inPakistan. I’m not kidding; I even have strong evidence to support my theory of Martians.

          

Indian Formula Rolon

Across the eastern border, India is currently hosting four separate motorsport championships on proper racetracks with purpose built formula cars, now that’s more like it. Here are some names if you are interested; Formula LGB Hyundai, FISSME (aka Formula Maruti), Formula Rolon and JK Tyre National racing championship.  
  

Still not convinced? Well even if you only watch PTV and you’ve never heard of Michael Schumacher; you would know that Formula1 is the most prestigious car racing championship in the world. To give you an idea about the success rate of Formula1, theShanghai race circuit built in 2004 cost $300 million to make. And it’s such a money tree that they hope to recover its cost by the year 2014. You do the math.

Now please take a deep breath because what I’m about to tell you might come as a big shock…

India will be hosting a Formula1 race in the year 2011 on the streets of New Delhi. Not to mention that their Formula1 team, Force India debuted back in 2008.

Enough said?

I think it’s time for us to call the Martians back to earth and beg them to lift the unbreakable curse before we become a laughing stock for Indians. Otherwise it’s a possibility that soon you will be offered an unused Ferrari in exchange for your old Mehran. And you will probably say, “No thanks!”

I have owned this little wonder, this bundle of joy that sometimes I call, when I am in a good mood, a car. The urdu speaking visitors to this website will understand the word ‘peepa’ and can relate to the review I would write, if I ever was to write one for Suzuki Mehran.

But I would never write a review for this little zipper-on-wheels. Why? You ask why! Because there are some things that you just do not do. The rational side of me (and of any sane person I have met) will not accept, much less actually call, this odd combination of nuts, bolts and metal sheets a car! I have owned an all-white Suzuki Mehran VXR CNG, costing me Rs 376,000 plus Rs 40,000 or so on own. I drove this thing of beauty around Lahore and out of it for more than a year. Never once, never ever have I called it a car. By name, yes, it was, is and will remain a Mehran. But a car? Let me explain…

The Engine: It is powered by a massive 800 CC engine that I swear you can lift straight out of the bonnit. With one hand if you have a cigarette in another. But the engine will make those pistons turn even if there is a burp worth of CNG left in the tank; it will sputter out warnings, the red light on the CNG meter will seem to glow ever brighter with each hick-up the car manages, but it will not stop till you reach the gas station. The Mehran just knows. No car I know can do this. The Mehran will take care of you regardless you take care of it or not, much like the mysterious unconditional love I keep hearing about now and then.

The Interior: Only recently technology companies are realizing that people do not want extra features in their software to be productive; products by the small company 37 Signals are built around the concept of less features means more focus on the work at hand. I am sure the owners of this small company and many other minimalists have taken their inspiration from Mehran’s interior. Combine that concept with the concept of disposable bottles and you have yourself a Mehran interior, my friends. One gear shift, one steering wheel, some space-takers disguised as Air conditioning knobs and a well-marked (with proper groves and everything) plastic emptiness for a possible tape deck; everything else is as disposable as your next 18 rupee coke bottle. The lever won’t bring the window down? Replace the lever for less than a 100 bucks. Heck, change the window while you are at it. In fact, come to think about it, there is nothing else to break or jam other than the window lever. Just beautifully magnificent practicality. Majestic even.

Exterior: On a hot day, the paint shines. With any standard screw driver, you can take apart pretty much anything. You can, if you want to, drive the screw driver through the door and into that majestic interior with one firm jab. I will not recommend it though. If you scratch the paint (why wouldn’t you?), you might as well see logos and tag lines of ghee oil brands like Dalda and the like; worry not and take comfort that you have contributed to recycling. The bumpers do not fall off, that is how tough they make ‘em, but if they do, do not fix them, just replace them with new ones. The insurance companies probably have a song for Mehran they sing everyday before starting work. I am sure.

Drive: Nimble. With the four tyres and all of ‘em touching planet Earth, you can’t go wrong. The car does have a habit of turning on its side if you behave too rashly. I was lucky not to be so rash. But the car drives and cuts through traffic like a hot knife through a slab of butter. Once you get the hang of the gear shifts and figure out which gear gets stuck and which ones offer more control, you will be the ‘dude’ of the streets.In one of many excursions out of Lahore, I have actually tried to get a speeding fine. The Mehran won’t let me. Like I said, it knows and it gives a damn.

Safety: Beats Volvo, but don’t compare.

So there you have it, my honest-to-God opinion of my ex-car. The Suzuki Mehran. If Transformers ever come to Lahore, my white Mehran will be the cute one. Hell yeah!